Ask almost any member of the clergy if they would rather do a funeral or a wedding, and the vast majority of them will say, without a doubt, a funeral. That includes me. Why? I can’t speak for them, although many have shared with me that they agree with me, but for me, I just get tired of being used. The extravagance of wedding services is a show and is often not about God. I am only allowed to do them because I am ordained, so I do Christian weddings, which means that one of the two needs to be in that grouping. I also approach weddings differently than most; I don’t take money and I have the couple attend worship for 6-12 months. They also have to sit with me 3-4 times to prepare for the wedding and the marriage. I’ve had couples offer me a lot of money if I would just do the deed, and I ask them to leave. I am not their employee; my church pays me a good salary to do full-time ministry. If I were part-time, it would be a different story.
A wedding is not a marriage; weddings have always been transactions that were, at first, about trade and later about the law. Religion’s relationship to this act is mixed based on culture, which means that every marriage is valid in the eyes of the law and God. The connection of marriage to God is a personal theological choice, so being married by a judge, a mayor, or a ship’s captain is just fine. You don’t need to be religious to have a great marriage. And while the decision to allow same-sex marriages took far too long, I am glad it was finally made legal. For those who think we should only allow “biblical” marriage, I suggest they read the Bible again. There are many forms of marriage in the Bible that we do not allow in America.
Good theology believes that marriage is about equality, trust, and total commitment. Bad theology promotes male dominance over women and rejects anything else. And there is no head of the household; this is a sexist trope that is focused on men doing their “biblical duty” of guiding (controlling) their wives and children. Male “headship” is a central teaching of very conservative churches that is about control. The legal term is far different; it was created in 1951 to give single parents the same tax breaks as married parents. In a marriage, however, it is an archaic idea that should be jettisoned. Marriage is teamwork, which makes decision-making more complicated. Good theology believes, regardless of what the Apostle Paul wrote, that both partners have equal responsibility in making the family work. This can be hard work; it is ridiculous to believe that two people raised in completely different family cultures will agree on everything easily. Good theology urges forgiveness and patience; Bad theology promotes male domination. Good theology recognizes that marriage is often a struggle; it takes work to make it last. Bad theology allows one person to control the other, basing that right on ancient attitudes that were never acceptable.
For those who are married, keep up the good work of being a team. For those whose marriages have ended, know that God loves you. Good theology is about moving through this life together with God by our side. God is always there, no matter where you are on life’s journey.
Prayer – We thank You for this life we share with so many people in so many ways. Help us to live with integrity, trust, and compassion in all of our relationships. Amen.
Today’s art is titled “Happy Marriage” by Natalie Holland.