I was raised in a little church that never discouraged doubts and questions. If you had the same experience, you were as lucky as I was. When I asked a pastor or Sunday school teacher why bad things happened to me, none of them ever told me that I shouldn’t ask questions, or that it was all part of God’s plan, or that I was a sinner bound for hell. I was told that God loved me and that God was with me in bad times and in good times. This has stayed with me; it was the core of my sermon this past Ash Wednesday. If thinking that God is in control of your life, or that God has a particular plan for you, helps you get through the day, that’s your business. For me, though, these sentiments might have led me to self-loathing, self-harm, or atheism. If God cares so little about me that God actually does harm to me, what good is God? If those things are true, God is not good at all.
I have had my moments of doubt over the years, but those moments have lessened as I have gotten older and a little wiser. I stopped blaming God for bad things at a very young age, and this has served me well. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t grieved losses or been upset at God; in fact, every once in a while, God and I have it out. I remind myself that the Psalmists did the same thing and that Jesus asked God why God had forsaken Him. I remind myself that God doesn’t make people take guns and commit terrorism against innocent children and adults. I don’t listen to fools who say that God told them to try to overthrow America’s government. God gets blamed for a lot of things that evil people concoct on their own. Vigilante justice is not from God – it’s from the Devil.
God doesn’t kill babies, or anyone else, for that matter. God doesn’t give people cancer. God doesn’t decide when we die. God doesn’t cause wars. God is not in control. My doubts about God are my problem, not God’s. What God does do is give me space to question. God gives me room to doubt. God keeps on loving me in spite of my imperfections; after all, God made me that way, so that is on God. I am not afraid of doubt and questions, but too many people are.
I still remember, with some confusion, the parent who got angry at me because I told her daughter that I didn’t know how prayer works. She confused lack of knowledge with a lack of faith, and my response was far from faithless. Nobody knows the mind of God; if they say they do, they are lying. Nobody knows how and if prayer works, or why it seems to work sometimes and not others. That doesn’t keep me from praying for strength, comfort, and perseverance. It does keep me from telling people that God will heal them or save them or keep them from experiencing pain and suffering. If I did that, I would be the fool; I would be the liar. We are allowed to doubt and question, so don’t be afraid that God will get angry. Got gets us, because God lived as we do, for a short time. Doubt away – God understands.
Prayer – Holy God, thank You for the gift of doubt and the ability to question. These two things prove that we have brains and free will. Give us Your Spirit so we can find comfort in the worst of times. Amen.
Today’s art is “Doubt” by Rumen Spasov.