The other day I saw an interview in which Jerry Seinfeld said, “I like a real man.” He went on to name a few: JFK, Mohammed Ali, Howard Cosell (what?). He differentiated this from “Toxic Masculinity”, which I appreciate. Still, I had never heard the term “Dominant Masculinity” so, as I tend to do, I looked it up. Another term is often used – Hegemonic – and Hegemonic masculinity was understood by Connell (1987, 1995) as a specific form of masculinity in a given historical and society-wide social setting that legitimates unequal gender relations between men and women, between masculinity and femininity, and among masculinities. I’m not sure that Mr. Seinfeld meant that he likes it when women are subordinate to men, but this term means exactly that. Dominant Masculinity is the same as Toxic Masculinity. It is a topic that has been batted around for decades, and it is an important discussion – what does it mean to have healthy masculinity and femininity?
I have personally been fighting this battle for decades. For 40 years I have had men tell me that my love of cooking is weird and feminine. When my wife’s aunts found out that I did most of it (not because I’m better, but because it was a schedule thing), they were shocked. When men (and women) found out that I was a stay-at-home dad for 6 years (again, based on income, not skills), most were incredulous, although a lot of men told me secretly that they were jealous. Now, 40 years later, we are still in the midst of this culture war, with some segments of the population propping up old ideas of gender roles while others try to convince us that men and women are exactly the same (we aren’t). So much of this, I think, is driven by fear and fragility. And I am not talking just about men.
The only gender role is the ability to give birth. Our failure as a culture is that we have not worked to dismantle ignorant ideas of sexuality and gender. If you call my phone and ask for the man of the house, I will hang up on you. Call me Mr. Mom and you will get an earful. If you try to convince me that I should be the decision-maker, I will laugh at you. I mean, have you met my wife? We have a marriage of equals. And yes, she is better at some things, and I am better at others (probably an 80-20 split), but we make decisions together. Why? Because we are both made as equal in the eyes of God – and we aren’t troglodytes. I joke – sort of – but I would not try to force anyone else to choose what they want to do with their life – as long as they choose freely.
Believing in inequality is toxic, no matter who is doing the believing. Legislating based on gender – allowing differences in pay based on gender – forcing a binary concept of gender – are all wrong. I would like to see us spending more time teaching life skills to children so all of them know how to cook chicken, sew a button, change the oil, and do the taxes. No gender should be dominant; each one of us should be capable and self-reliant. Who, in their right mind, would want to be unequally yoked? Not me.
Prayer – Holy God, You made us equal in Your sight – help us to get that right. Amen.
Our art today is one of the many ridiculously sexist ads that used to be everywhere.