Since this past spring, a question has been going viral on the internet: men were asked if they would rather have their daughter encounter a man or a bear in the forest. For many men, the first thought was that bears are scary and can kill you – the second thought – for some – was, so can men. The question was an attempt to help men understand how women see men as a threat, and most women have said that a bear is preferable. Why? One woman said it succinctly: If I told people I was attacked by a bear, they would believe me, and no one would ask me what I was wearing.
I encountered a similar concept when I went to seminary. I was a 22-year-old nudnick, so please be patient with me. I was taking a class focused on social injustice, and the professor said – and this was a long time ago, so this may not be exact – that every man was a possible rapist to every woman. It was the first time I had encountered the concept of male privilege, although that wasn’t what it was called. The idea was simple: to every woman, every man is a hypothetical danger, especially if there’s more than one. I was astounded, and my reaction was the same as many of the men in the room. I am not that kind of person, I protested; I would never force myself on a woman! I was getting it wrong, of course: a woman’s perception and reality isn’t that I am like this. A woman’s reality is that every time she steps out of her home, she is a target. Every man is a threat.
My wife and I were discussing this the other day. When she is at a meeting in a hotel, walking down the hallway puts her in danger. Me? Never. If she had a glass of wine at a dinner meeting and something bad happened, it would be used against her in a court of law. Me? Nope. Men have no idea what it is like to live like this, and if you get angry or insulted or defensive at the bear/man question, you are part of the problem. Male privilege is bolstered by most religions and cultural expectations. Just listen to some of the terrible things some male politicians say about women! If a man speaks aggressively, and he is being tough, but if a woman speaks aggressively, she’s a ______. If I got beat up by three men, people would say, “well, you were outnumbered!” Same thing happens to a woman, she’s asked, “What were you wearing? How much did you have to drink?”
If I were caught in the woods, I would rather it be a man; I would have a chance against him, but a bear would outmatch me. If a woman was in the same predicament, she would prefer a bear. One woman went a step further: if she was killed by a man, that man would move on and do the same to other women. If she was killed by a bear, that bear would be hunted down and euthanized. This is not a bear problem or a woman problem – it is a man problem and a societal problem. Men have to fix themselves. We owe that to women everywhere.
Prayer – We would all like to live in a world, O God, where nobody lives in fear. Until that happens, help us men to understand how to be better. Amen.
Today’s art is “Fear” by Ty Agha.