Soon after I came to my present congregation, a very active member came to talk to me about an incident that had happened years before I arrived. These are the kinds of conversations that always intrigue me; we all have lots of baggage, don’t we? She told me of an event she and her husband had attended with another couple from the church, and that after she had had a few drinks, she told the other woman that her own child was gay. The second woman responded that if the first woman’s child didn’t repent and stop choosing that lifestyle, her child would go to hell. This response was not what the mother expected, and she had carried the burden of her anger against her friend for at least 10 years. And yes, they continued to be friends, often sitting together in church. It became their little secret.
Her purpose in telling me this story was two-fold, I think. The first was, as she explained, to see if I could help her forgive her friend. The second, which was unspoken, was to see how I would respond to the news that she had a gay child. As far as first, I told her that it was clear that her friend still held this opinion, so if she was seeking to have her change, she would wait a long time (the second woman and her husband left when we became ONA). Forgiveness is, I said, more about not living with bitterness and regret. Holding grudges eats us away inside if we don’t resolve our anger. The second was a no-brainer; I had been teaching and preaching acceptance of the LGBTQ community ever since I had gotten to the church. Her child was safe with me.
The woman who said this unkind and insensitive thing was a really fine person. She showed her love of God in almost everything she did. She was generous, kind, welcoming, and steeped in her faith. In this one particular area, though, she was cruel. She knew the anguish her friend was going through and she didn’t seem to care. She valued her hatred of gay people – which she believed was given to her by God – more than she valued her friend. I don’t think she realized the torment she had put her friend through for those many years, and maybe her response would have been different if she had. Personally, I doubt that. She and her husband were deeply committed to keeping our congregation from publicly welcoming God’s LGBTQ children. Thankfully, they failed. Sadly (but probably good for the congregation), they left and found a place that accepted their hateful belief. This was tragic all around.
For a lot of people, having faith built on who they hate is not their intention; that is, they have been raised with these ideas and believe them to be true, a command of God. They cannot look at Scripture in its totality and see just how many tenets are wrong. This couple would never have agreed with slavery, and they certainly wore mixed threads. They loved their children and would never have murdered them for being drunkards and gluttons (something Jesus said He was accused of by religious people), as Deuteronomy 21 allows for. They did not believe they were cruel, but in this instance, they were. I don’t expect perfection from anyone, but I do expect critical thinking and compassion. They didn’t have to agree that being gay is okay, but they didn’t have the right to be cruel. None of us has that right. And yet, too many believers are. That’s messed up.
Prayer – Help us to grow more towards You, Holy and Perfect God, so people can see a glimpse of Your love in our lives. Amen.
Today’s art is called “To Love Unconditionally” by Emma Plunkett.